Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Books Which Should Be Banned

Ban these books! Ban them now! Protect our children (whom we all know can’t think or formulate ideas all by themselves) from the influence of these so-called ‘authors’, who obviously have an nefarious agenda beyond simply entertaining the youth of America and encouraging them to drop the XBOX controller for a few hours in order to read:

The Harry Potter series. How dare J.K. Rawling! She has the audacity to inspire grade school kids to read 600+ page novels when that time could be better spent watching TV, not to mention the number of young readers who select wizardry as a career choice afterwards.

The Twilight series. Of course, we all know vampires are evil, but that’s not why Stephanie Meyer’s books should be banned. It’s for selfish reasons, because her novels have disrupted my sleep patterns. My oldest daughter insisted on attending the midnight release party of Breaking Dawn, which meant I had to drive her and her friends downtown in the middle of the night so she could be one of the first to get a copy. I had to stay awake until 2:00 AM to pick them up, and was grumpy all the next day from lack of sleep. To make matters worse, my daughter didn’t clean our cats’ litter box because her face was buried in the book all day.

Every other teen vampire novel. They teach impressionable youth that vampires aren’t monsters to be feared, but simply teen emos (teemos?) in love. That ain’t gonna help them much if they ever come across a real vampire, who probably won’t look like Robert Pattinson.

Everything by Edgar Allen Poe. He’s just too weird to be trusted with our children.

Halo (and any other book based on a video game). I’m actually half-serious here. You know you are obsessed when the time you spend away from your favorite game is spent reading about them. See that shiny orb in the sky outside? It’s called the sun. Go enjoy it.

Captain Underpants. This popular series could influence kids to imitate the actions of its hero. And there reaches a point in a child’s life when running around in his underpants is no longer cute.

Green Eggs and Ham. Oooh! Stay away from this one, kids! It might encourage you to put weird-colored things in your mouth that don’t belong there. What’s next, Bleu Cheese and Drano?

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Now I know why I have currently a problem with rodents in my house. My kids are giving them chocolate chip cookies! Well, there goes their allowance. I need that money to pay for an exterminator.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Poor Cindy Lou Who, waking in the middle of the night to see a man without pants hovering over the Christmas tree.

Hop on Pop. Kids, why would you want to jump on your dad? You know he has acid reflux and digestive issues. Or is this book encouraging you to slowly kill him for the insurance? Did your mom put you up to this? Just for that, I’m revising my will to leave everything to the dog. At least he leaps on me because he’s simply happy to see me again.

Goodnight Moon. Talking to inanimate objects, such as mittens, bowls of mush and socks, is a tell-tale sign of insanity. Do we want our kids to talk to articles of clothing just before they go to bed? If Edgar Allen Poe (see above) wrote for children, he’d have come up with something like this, only the baby bunny would have killed the old lady whispering hush, then stashed her remains under the floorboards.

Killer Cows. My first novel. I can’t think of any reason it would be banned, but if any of you can, that’s a lot of free publicity for me. After all, nothing says ‘buy me’ more than a media product which sparks moral outrage in a few loudmouthed individuals who think their own personal values will save the world. Thanks in advance.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author, who doesn’t really believe anything he just posted.

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