For the first time - I suppose I’ve been lucky - my computer crashed last weekend. It couldn’t have happened at the worst possible time; I’m corresponding back and forth with my publisher, and trying to earn my master’s degree online at the same time.
While writing my final paper for a class, I was treated to a friendly little piece of malware called Windows Police Pro, which informed me my computer was infected with viruses. I was inundated with dozens and dozens of pop-ups, urging me to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW by submitting my credit card number and purchasing their so-called anti-virus program.
Turns on that Windows Police Pro IS the virus. Thank god for Google, which allowed me to find out just how malicious this program is, which attaches itself to websites and downloads itself in order to infect your computer.
You know, as a teacher, I work hard for a living, and often bring my work home with me. And it makes me sick that someone with more computer smarts could come up with a program that would make the average person think their computer has been violated in order to bilk fast bucks. I think ‘violated’ is the right term, especially since I’ve always been careful when working online. In fact, I think I was raped. I had to take my computer tower to someone and spend 300 bucks to rid it of this virus. I also had to spend an additional fifty bucks to back up my written documents (i.e. novel projects), simply because some still-living-with-his-parents jerkweed out there doesn’t want to hold down a real job. And just because either me or a member of my family visited a website.
To whomever devised Windows Police Pro (or anyone who conjured something similar), you are no different than a scumbag rapist, with little or no regard for the people you hurt. And if any of you are reading this, yes, I know you are probably laughing. I only hope karma comes back to bite you in the ass.
On the plus side to all of this, the experience showed me just how soulless some people are, and just how dependant I am on my computer. It’s where I do all my writing, where I pay my bills, where I get my news, where I enter my grades. Knowing some jackass can mess with that - strictly because he can - has been an eye-opener. For that, loser hackers, I must grudgingly thank you. Having my computer out of commission of a week allowed me to spend more time playing with my kids, my dog and my wife (nudge-nudge!). You, on the other hand, are likely sitting in your mom’s basement, or wallowing in your apartment by yourself without any chance of female companionship, praying some idiot is willing to give you their credit card number. And what are you going to do with that info? I’ll bet I know...though it’s something I wouldn’t dare share with people who actually care about you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Bad Animals, Part 2: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Seriously, how can anyone resist a title like that?
And with this one, you gets whatcha pays for. Hilariously bad CGI, former 80's teen icon Debbie Gibson (oh, excuse me...Deborah Gibson) and a script loaded with enough howlers to keep lovers of direct-to-DVD trash enthralled for hours.
I loved this movie! So will you, if you’re in the right frame of mind.
THRILL as two recently thawed out prehistoric ocean monsters wreak havoc on each other!
GASP as a megalodon shark is able to leap thousands of feet from the water to take down a jumbo jet!
PONDER these creatures’ ability to be terrorizing the Japanese coast one day, then be lurking the waters off Alaska the next!
MARVEL at the glaring inconsistencies of these animals’ size from scene to scene! One minute the shark is a few hundred feet long, the next it’s the size of the Empire State Building.
SCREAM as the megalodon attacks the Golden Gate Bridge for no apparent reason!
SCREAM AGAIN as the giant octopus uses its tentacles to scatter toy submarines like bowling pins!
RECOIL IN HORROR at Gibson’s thespian talents, which range from wide-eyed, slack-jawed horror to looking like she just got a whiff of someone else’s flatulence.
RECOIL IN HORROR AGAIN as Gibson consumates a relationship with a fellow scientist in a janitor's broom closet within a few hours of meeting each other, even though they display zero sexual chemistry in any previous scene.
CHEER at the appearance of Lorenzo Lamas as a woefully stupid antagonist, because any connoisseur of vintage movie cheese knows no direct-to-video trash would be complete without him.
NOTICE how the producers manage to utilize the same sets over and over again, only with different lighting.
TITTER at the inclusion of a blooper reel among the special features, when really, the whole movie is one long blooper.
CHORTLE at the hilariously inept CGI effects, which occasionally look like the computer nerd hired to create them never actually finished the job.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is the kind of wonderfully bad movie that only comes along once in a while...more fun than a barrel of Godzillas. Not easy to find for sale, but it’s been available at local Blockbuster stores for some time. Do yourself a favor...get some friends together, do some popcorn, crank the sound and have a great time at this movie’s expense.
And with this one, you gets whatcha pays for. Hilariously bad CGI, former 80's teen icon Debbie Gibson (oh, excuse me...Deborah Gibson) and a script loaded with enough howlers to keep lovers of direct-to-DVD trash enthralled for hours.
I loved this movie! So will you, if you’re in the right frame of mind.
THRILL as two recently thawed out prehistoric ocean monsters wreak havoc on each other!
GASP as a megalodon shark is able to leap thousands of feet from the water to take down a jumbo jet!
PONDER these creatures’ ability to be terrorizing the Japanese coast one day, then be lurking the waters off Alaska the next!
MARVEL at the glaring inconsistencies of these animals’ size from scene to scene! One minute the shark is a few hundred feet long, the next it’s the size of the Empire State Building.
SCREAM as the megalodon attacks the Golden Gate Bridge for no apparent reason!
SCREAM AGAIN as the giant octopus uses its tentacles to scatter toy submarines like bowling pins!
RECOIL IN HORROR at Gibson’s thespian talents, which range from wide-eyed, slack-jawed horror to looking like she just got a whiff of someone else’s flatulence.
RECOIL IN HORROR AGAIN as Gibson consumates a relationship with a fellow scientist in a janitor's broom closet within a few hours of meeting each other, even though they display zero sexual chemistry in any previous scene.
CHEER at the appearance of Lorenzo Lamas as a woefully stupid antagonist, because any connoisseur of vintage movie cheese knows no direct-to-video trash would be complete without him.
NOTICE how the producers manage to utilize the same sets over and over again, only with different lighting.
TITTER at the inclusion of a blooper reel among the special features, when really, the whole movie is one long blooper.
CHORTLE at the hilariously inept CGI effects, which occasionally look like the computer nerd hired to create them never actually finished the job.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is the kind of wonderfully bad movie that only comes along once in a while...more fun than a barrel of Godzillas. Not easy to find for sale, but it’s been available at local Blockbuster stores for some time. Do yourself a favor...get some friends together, do some popcorn, crank the sound and have a great time at this movie’s expense.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Echelon Press Shorts
Echelon Press Shorts officially opens on September 1, 2009. So what can readers look forward to? This month, they have new releases scheduled for the first AND the fifteenth. There is a wonderful list of authors whose stories they are excited about and who they know you will enjoy reading.
There are also authors waiting to meet you! Readers will enjoy new blog posts Monday through Friday by the most current authors. Read about their latest ventures, their characters, and get to know them.
Both Echelon Press Shorts and the authors would love reader feedback, so feel free to leave comments. During launch week, there will be new releases and posts from the authors of those stories. Readers will hear from Regan Black, Mark Vun Kannon, Mary Welk, and Michelle Sonnier. To celebrate, they are giving away *free* ebook downloads. Want to know how? Visit them on September 1 at http://echelonpressshorts.wordpress.com
There are also authors waiting to meet you! Readers will enjoy new blog posts Monday through Friday by the most current authors. Read about their latest ventures, their characters, and get to know them.
Both Echelon Press Shorts and the authors would love reader feedback, so feel free to leave comments. During launch week, there will be new releases and posts from the authors of those stories. Readers will hear from Regan Black, Mark Vun Kannon, Mary Welk, and Michelle Sonnier. To celebrate, they are giving away *free* ebook downloads. Want to know how? Visit them on September 1 at http://echelonpressshorts.wordpress.com
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Bad Animals, Part 1
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I wrote my first novel, a sleazy piece of junk called Bunnies from Hell. A raunchy satire, I tried to find the most ridiculous animal crawling the globe with which to form a humorous horror tale.
Little did I know that someone beat me to the punch...25 years earlier.
As a fan of animals-gone-bad movies, I’ve sat through a lot of junk about killer ants, bees, frogs, cats, dogs, worms, slugs, rats, etc. For every great movie like Jaws, there are dozens of low-budget knock-offs. But if you can’t appreciate good trash, there’s no point watching movies.
And I thought I’d seen it all until I heard of Night of the Lepus.
Night of the Lepus is one of the all-time great bad movies, the kind of endearingly stupid flick that would have made great MST3K fodder. Thus, unless you think such tripe is beneath you, this is a hard movie not to like.
In case you don’t know, ‘lepus’ is another word for rabbit. That’s right. This movie is about killer rabbits. I’ll pause for a moment while you ponder the concept.
Now I’ll repeat it. The movie is about killer rabbits, the least terrifying animal on Earth. That doesn’t stop director William Claxton from doing whatever he can to try and make them scary. He fails, of course, which is precisely what makes this movie so great! Night of the Lepus, made in 1972, is a low-budget hoot in which rabbits, breeding so fast they are destroying crops in the Arizona desert, are injected with a hormone intended to disrupt their breeding cycle. Instead, it turns them into cow-sized maneaters that kill everything and everyone in their path.
While the story is your basic nature-run-amok plot, what makes the movie worth seeing are the numerous (and oft-repeated) scenes of herds of little bunnies running (in slow motion) through miniature city streets, farmhouses and river beds, accompanied by cattle stampede sound effects. Occasionally, we get close-up of vicious hares, blood dripping from their jowls, chomping on their victims.
What shoves Night of the Lepus into camp classic territory is its deadly-serious tone, as though there’s any possible way rabbits, no matter how large, would ever be considered terrifying. Adding to the hilarity is a cast of once-famous actors earning their paychecks by reacting to the mayhem, including Janet Leigh, which is kind of pathetic. In 12 short years, she’s gone from being the most famous slasher victim of all time in Psycho, to igniting fuzzy puppets with a road flare.
And fans of the original Star Trek will be overjoyed to learn DeForest Kelly (Dr. McCoy), didn’t remain completely unemployed after the show was cancelled. Here, he looks like an aging 70's era swinger, complete with scarf & polyester bell-bottoms.
Aside from the laughable special effects, there is even more laughable dialogue. I don’t think there’s an actor in the world who could utter the line, "A herd of killer rabbits is heading this way!" and have it incite any terror at all. Add a title theme that sounds like discarded James Bond music, and you’ve got a movie so bad that it actually manages to be more entertaining than most modern big-budget epics.
Night of the Lepus is a must-see. And as ridiculous as it is, the movie is fast-paced and quite bloody for a PG-rated film. To quote an often-used cliche, they just don’t make movies like this anymore. Being relatively obscure, it may not be waiting on the shelf of your local Best Buy, so you’ll have to order it. But if you’re a true fan of video cheese, trust me, it’s worth it.
My first novel, Bunnies from Hell, remains tucked safely from the world in my desk drawer, where it will stay. The book was intended to be funny, but for sheer belly laughs, it simply cannot compete with a movie like this, made by folks who want to be taken seriously.
Little did I know that someone beat me to the punch...25 years earlier.
As a fan of animals-gone-bad movies, I’ve sat through a lot of junk about killer ants, bees, frogs, cats, dogs, worms, slugs, rats, etc. For every great movie like Jaws, there are dozens of low-budget knock-offs. But if you can’t appreciate good trash, there’s no point watching movies.
And I thought I’d seen it all until I heard of Night of the Lepus.
Night of the Lepus is one of the all-time great bad movies, the kind of endearingly stupid flick that would have made great MST3K fodder. Thus, unless you think such tripe is beneath you, this is a hard movie not to like.
In case you don’t know, ‘lepus’ is another word for rabbit. That’s right. This movie is about killer rabbits. I’ll pause for a moment while you ponder the concept.
Now I’ll repeat it. The movie is about killer rabbits, the least terrifying animal on Earth. That doesn’t stop director William Claxton from doing whatever he can to try and make them scary. He fails, of course, which is precisely what makes this movie so great! Night of the Lepus, made in 1972, is a low-budget hoot in which rabbits, breeding so fast they are destroying crops in the Arizona desert, are injected with a hormone intended to disrupt their breeding cycle. Instead, it turns them into cow-sized maneaters that kill everything and everyone in their path.
While the story is your basic nature-run-amok plot, what makes the movie worth seeing are the numerous (and oft-repeated) scenes of herds of little bunnies running (in slow motion) through miniature city streets, farmhouses and river beds, accompanied by cattle stampede sound effects. Occasionally, we get close-up of vicious hares, blood dripping from their jowls, chomping on their victims.
What shoves Night of the Lepus into camp classic territory is its deadly-serious tone, as though there’s any possible way rabbits, no matter how large, would ever be considered terrifying. Adding to the hilarity is a cast of once-famous actors earning their paychecks by reacting to the mayhem, including Janet Leigh, which is kind of pathetic. In 12 short years, she’s gone from being the most famous slasher victim of all time in Psycho, to igniting fuzzy puppets with a road flare.
And fans of the original Star Trek will be overjoyed to learn DeForest Kelly (Dr. McCoy), didn’t remain completely unemployed after the show was cancelled. Here, he looks like an aging 70's era swinger, complete with scarf & polyester bell-bottoms.
Aside from the laughable special effects, there is even more laughable dialogue. I don’t think there’s an actor in the world who could utter the line, "A herd of killer rabbits is heading this way!" and have it incite any terror at all. Add a title theme that sounds like discarded James Bond music, and you’ve got a movie so bad that it actually manages to be more entertaining than most modern big-budget epics.
Night of the Lepus is a must-see. And as ridiculous as it is, the movie is fast-paced and quite bloody for a PG-rated film. To quote an often-used cliche, they just don’t make movies like this anymore. Being relatively obscure, it may not be waiting on the shelf of your local Best Buy, so you’ll have to order it. But if you’re a true fan of video cheese, trust me, it’s worth it.
My first novel, Bunnies from Hell, remains tucked safely from the world in my desk drawer, where it will stay. The book was intended to be funny, but for sheer belly laughs, it simply cannot compete with a movie like this, made by folks who want to be taken seriously.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
More Cows on the Web!
I came across a few interesting and stupidly fun websites. The first one, The Cow Dance ( www.cowdance.com ) is similar to the Hamster Dance website that was popular several years ago, in which crudely animated cows dance and rock out to various popular songs, from showtunes to disco numbers to classic rock songs. The songs themselves sound like they are performed with a Casio Keyboard or some kind of music composing software like Garage Band or Cakewalk’s Music Creator. At any rate, the cheesiness of the way these songs are recreated merely add to the fun.
The second one is a song by Dana Lyons called "Cows With Guns." The song itself is hilarious, and can be found on Lyons’ website ( www.cowswithguns.com ). Make sure to watch the music videos. There are two of them, one animated by Bjorn-Magne Stuestol, the other done in claymation. Of the two, the first one is best. The animation is great and features the lyrics along with it.
Finally, there’s a site simply called Cow Games ( www.aurochs.org/cows/games ) which features links to dozens of cow-related online games, including the Killer Cows game I mentioned in my last blog. Puzzles, tic-tac-toe, boxing, memory games, quizzes, coloring...it’s all here. My personal favorite is "Milk Panic", where you must milk the cows before they explode.
The second one is a song by Dana Lyons called "Cows With Guns." The song itself is hilarious, and can be found on Lyons’ website ( www.cowswithguns.com ). Make sure to watch the music videos. There are two of them, one animated by Bjorn-Magne Stuestol, the other done in claymation. Of the two, the first one is best. The animation is great and features the lyrics along with it.
Finally, there’s a site simply called Cow Games ( www.aurochs.org/cows/games ) which features links to dozens of cow-related online games, including the Killer Cows game I mentioned in my last blog. Puzzles, tic-tac-toe, boxing, memory games, quizzes, coloring...it’s all here. My personal favorite is "Milk Panic", where you must milk the cows before they explode.
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