Dave's Movie Guide: The Road Warrior (Mad Max 2)

My jaw continues to drop every time I pull up to the gas pump, the price per gallon seeming to rise on a daily basis, right along with my blood pressure. It wasn’t that long ago five bucks got me through the week. Now, it gets me to and from work once. Oh sure, the price drops a few cents every now and then, just enough for everyone to think $3.60 for a gallon of gas is a real bargain. But, sure as the tide, it’ll spike again to $3.80, then $4.00...etc.

The funny thing is...none of this has really changed anyone’s driving habits, including my own. We all still putter to work in our gas-chugging SUVs, and salivate as auto manufacturers roll out all new versions of V-8, hemi-powered Mustangs & Chargers. Face it...we’ll continue to fill our tanks no matter what the cost. When it comes to gasoline, we’re a nation of highway heroin addicts. And when the day comes when we can no longer afford it, we’ll steal it...hell, the number of “gas ‘n’ dash” crimes in this country has already risen dramatically.

Maybe it’s just a matter of time before a screaming psycho, sporting a mohawk, assless leather pants & spiked shoulder-pads, forces your car off the road, blows you away, then makes off with the liquid gold in your gas tank. All you smug tree-huggers, full of yourselves for shelling out tens-of-thousands for environment-friendly hybrids, will be singing a different tune when the gasoline-apocalypse comes and you’re taken down on the highway by crazy marauders hunting you down in their 300-horsepower death machines. You'll be as helpless as a seal pup in the jaws of a Great White.

I find myself thinking of The Road Warrior more and more every time I have to refinance my house to fill the gas tank. It’s also one of the first movies I ever saw that made the end of the world look like a lot of fun. Speeding down the road in a souped-up Barracuda, blowing people away, crashing cars...how cool would that be?

Of course, that was 1981. Now that I’m well-past the age where I’d look good in leather pants, I have to resign myself to the fact I’d probably be one of the first poor bastards raped and killed for the gas in my car.

The Road Warrior is a flick every self-respecting middle-aged male knows by-heart (right up there with Monty Python & the Holy Grail, A Fistful of Dollars and Apocalypse Now). It’s also, of course, the definitive chase movie, an apocalyptic Road Runner cartoon peopled by a cast dressed like they’re ready to get their freak on at an S&M nightclub (admit it...the movie is one of the gayest pieces of pop-culture to come along since Judas Priest strapped on leather & studs). Oh yeah, there’s also Mel Gibson in the role that made him an international star (long before used up all of his audience goodwill by revealing himself as a drunken Nazi). As Max, the burnt-out, dog food-eating cop who roams the post-WWIII Australian desert in search of fuel, Gibson is every bit the scavenger as the leather-clad gay boys chasing him down the highway. He’s also an shrewd opportunist. After the same band of marauders lay siege upon a refinery defended by the last remnants of civilization, Max offers to help these helpless folks escape the desert to freedom, so long as they give Max all the fuel his car can hold.

That’s one of the really cool things about Max; he’s only a hero by accident...all he wants is gasoline so he can keep speeding through the desert, and doesn’t really give a damn about the folks whose lives he’s saving. Hell, he even puts a kid (the little monkey-boy whose character looks like he was inspired by that Cha-Ka thing from Land of the Lost) in harm’s way by making him climb onto the hood of a speeding truck, just to retrieve a shotgun shell so Max can blow someone else away. YEAH!!!

The Road Warrior has one of the simplest plots in movie history, making the original Mad Max look like The Usual Suspects in comparison. No complex characters, no symbolism...just cut-and-dry good versus evil, with Max in the middle like an apocalyptic Shane. There’s very little dialogue; I’ll bet most porno scripts contain more verbal banter. Of course, that didn't stop a lot of cinema snobs from hiding their thrill-for-the-kill by wrapping The Road Warrior with misguided symbolism.

But who really cares about dialogue, plot or symbolism when you’re watching some of the greatest chase scenes ever shot? If you want to look for symbolism in a motorcyclist being crushed under a semi’s tires (in slow motion!), be my guest. While you’re explaining to your college roommate that a crushed biker represents the everyman ground up by the wheels of conformity, I’ll just crack open another brewski & hit the skip-back button to watch the scene again at half-speed, just to see how real it still looks (by the way, it still does). You know, even 30 years later, I’m still wondering how director George Miller pulled some of these stunts off.

While I may no longer think the post-apocalypse hell-hole depicted in The Road Warrior would be such a kick to experience in real life, maybe the movie can still serve has sort of a how-to guide for the future. Sure, I could trade in my pick-up for a gas-friendly hybrid, but the thought of leather-clad crazies attacking me on the highway while driving such a puny putz-wagon keeps me from doing so. I want my next car to blow the doors off of any vehicle whose driver thinks they could take me down on the highway. Sure, you may laugh at my paranoia. The Road Warrior is just a movie, right? Then again, The Running Man seemed ridiculous at one time, too. Now that movie looks downright prophetic with all the reality crap vomiting from our TVs. But I’ll save that tangent for another time.

Metallica - Masters of Attempted Career Suicide

I just listened to Lulu, the polarizing collaboration between alt-rock godfather Lou Reed and thrash-metal godfathers, Metallica. I’d already heard countless scathing reviews (professional and unprofessional), but as a lifelong Metallica fan, I still refrained any personal opinion until I heard the record for myself. After all, I did think Load was better than a lot of people. But just in case, I did wait until I could find a copy of Lulu at used music store.


I can safely say this is the worst record I’ve ever heard, by any major artist. The album really, really sucks, little more than Reed’s stupid, quasi-racist, spoken-word, pseudo-beat poetry spouted over monotonous and generic riffs provided by Metallica themselves. It almost sounds like the music and words were randomly slapped together, without regard to melody or rhythmic synchronicity. And the damn thing is 87 minutes long. The sheer awfulness of this two-disc train wreck must be heard to be believed.

I’ve also read numerous articles and blogs claiming this album is a massive creative blunder from which Metallica may never recover, along with countless expletive-loaded comments by idiot readers on Blabbermouth.net acting like Lulu is some sort of crime against humanity. But a lot of people fail to realize one important fact…this isn’t a Metallica album. Sure, it might be promoted as such, and some might even think this is a joke-attempt by both parties involved to see what the music-buying public is willing to swallow. But a Metallica album it is not, and every band member has gone to great lengths to inform fans of this (maybe because the band heard the album afterwards and realized how crappy it was). But that hasn’t prevented the usual onslaught of ‘Metallibashing,’ something of a national sport in the metal community for years.

The six Lou Reed fans in the world are likely to come to the same conclusion in their assessment of Lulu. But they will simply shrug and say, ‘Well, that’s Lou Reed for you,’ like when he shoved Metal Machine Music down their throats. But for metal fans who hoped Metallica would follow-up Death Magnetic (their heaviest album in 20 years) with something similar, Lulu was a slap in the face.

Which kind of surprises me, really. It isn’t as though Lulu was the first time Metallica has chosen to confound their fans (on and off record). They’ve been doing it for years, almost since the beginning. I know, because, as a fan, I've been there the whole time. I humbly offer these previous failed attempts at career suicide:

Ride the Lightning - Their second album. Yes, it’s a classic. Yes, it provided the blueprint for Master of Puppets, widely considered their masterpiece. But back in 1984, even though they were unofficial leaders of the burgeoning thrash metal movement, Metallica were already beginning to distance themselves from the limitations of the genre. What did they do for album two? Well, there’s epic, proggy instrumental, a failed attempt at a Judas Priest-type of single and a mid-tempo, sing-along anthem (“For Whom the Bell Tolls”). Then there is “Fade to Black,” a ballad, of sorts (by thrash standards, anyway). But even though it is still heavier than anything Motley Crue was pumping out at the time, this was a huge risk for a band still struggling to make a living. Grass-roots thrash fans were already screaming “sell-out.” But the risk paid off, however; regardless of what one thinks of the song itself, “Fade to Black” is arguably the best-known track on the album.

…And Justice for All - Their fourth album, the first after losing bassist Cliff Burton in a tour bus crash. Despite the tragedy, Metallica were still riding high on the momentum of Master of Puppets, and after replacing their fallen comrade with Flotsam & Jetsam bassist Jason Newsted, fans expected a similarly heavy follow-up. If there was ever a time to play it safe and do Master of Puppets 2, this was it. Instead, Justice is an album of overly-complex progressive metal which would have made Emerson, Lake & Palmer proud. In addition, the bass is almost absent from the final mix. The whole album sounds thin and shallow, with no bottom-end. There’s a long-standing story that the final mix was part of a hazing for their new bassist. If that’s the case, Metallica had a lot of balls putting their careers on the line just to put their newest member in his place, especially since they were already not the most prolific of bands (the interim between albums was growing, but more on that later). Despite the crappy mix, …And Justice for All became their biggest album to-date (currently the second-best selling album in their entire catalog), largely due to yet-another pseudo-ballad, “One.” It is also considered by Metallica die-hards to be their last great album.

Metallica (The Black Album) - Their fifth album. By now, the band had already achieved multi-platinum success on their own terms. They had won a Grammy and continued to sell-out arenas worldwide with their uncompromising, epic-length music. But rather than follow it up with a collection of songs that would give Dream Theater carpel tunnel syndrome, they put out The Black Album…12 tracks of simple riffs and more introspective lyrics, all clocking in at less than seven minutes each, with not a single thrash tune to be found. This is also the first album in which guitarist/vocalist James Hetfield actually sings rather than shouts (at the behest of new producer Bob Rock). While the album polarized many of its longtime fans, its success gained them millions of new ones. It’s important to acknowledge the popularity (and relevance) of thrash metal was waning at the time, and only the ones willing to move beyond the built-in limitations of the genre would survive the sudden and swift death of 80s metal. By having such foresight, Metallica managed to create one of the biggest-selling records of all time, the kind you eventually get sick of hearing.

Load and Re-Load - This is where ‘Metallibashing’ really became a national sport. Not just because of the music which, admittedly, was somewhat unimaginative, derivative and sometimes dull, but because this was when Metallica first appeared concerned about their public image: short, slicked-back hair, fashionable suits, a ‘modernized’ band logo, expressing fondness for obscure alt-rock artists. They appeared to forsake both their thrash metal roots and the long-time fans who got them to this point. The music itself tried too hard to appeal to the alternative crowd, and indeed, Metallica were invited to headline Lollapaloosa, the annual festival for alternative rock acts. Still, while each album sold in the millions, both Load & Re-Load were widely considered to be creative low points. On the other hand, Metallica was now one of the biggest rock bands in the world, maybe second only to U2, and richer than God.

Napster - Metallica were commissioned to record a song (“I Disappear”) for inclusion on the soundtrack for Mission: Impossible 2. However, before they were finished, demo tracks of the song began appearing on the internet through a file-sharing site called Napster. Metallica (most-publicly, Lars Ulrich) cried foul, threatening to present a list of thousands of Napster users who illegally downloaded Metallica songs for free. Never mind the fact that “I Disappear” pretty-much blows, it was the catalyst for the controversy. Such a legal move by the band alienated a lot of fans, who countered with the claim that Metallica first built their own career through illegal tape trading. This controversy destroyed any so-called street-cred Metallica once had. The common response (probably made by those who regularly download music for free) was that Metallica were greedy money-mongers. They may have come across as wealthy snobs during this debacle, but look what’s happened since. File sharing and free downloading has all-but-destroyed the music business. Their so-called greediness is now sadly prophetic. Ironically, Metallica is one of the only rock acts who haven’t been affected by this. Their albums continue to sell in the millions, while most artists can no longer make a living on music sales alone.

St. Anger - Truly, the first album in which many thought Metallica had truly gone insane. It totally sounds like crap…on purpose. The whole conceit behind this record was, in producer Bob Rock’s assertion, to make a quick & dirty, garage-band type of album, only that band happens to be Metallica. Okay, not a bad idea for such a high and mighty band to strip things down and get back to its simpler roots. But St. Anger came six years after their last studio album, took two years to make and is 80 minutes long, without a single Kirk Hammett guitar solo to be found. A few critics enjoyed it, most people hated it, but everyone still bought it.

Some Kind of Monster - Originally meant to be a document of the making of St. Anger, this film instead show a band about to fall apart. Bassist Jason Newstead had quit, founders Ulrich and Hetfield are at each other’s throats, and poor Kirk Hammett (the only person in the film who generates any real sympathy from the audience) stands by helplessly. The band hires a shrink (who, by the end of the film, comes across as a leech) to help them sort through their problems. Even former member Dave Mustaine shows up at one point for an emotional confrontation with Ulrich (and was apparently pissed the scene showed up in the final cut). We also meet new bassist Robert Trujillo, whose hiring is the music equivalent of winning the lottery (even though being a bassist in Metallica has got to be the most thankless job in the world). He’s more or less treated like a new employee, while Hetfield and Ulrich often come across as obscenely wealthy, spoiled brats. Allowing themselves to be presented like this is a pretty brave-ass move on their part, and the film itself is long and difficult to watch at times, featuring very little actual music outside of a few St. Anger recording sessions (which won’t make you appreciate the album any more than you already do).

Interim between new albums - In their 30-year career, Metallica has released only nine studio albums, making Pink Floyd look as prolific as 70’s-era Kiss. The shortest time span between albums was Kill ‘Em All and Ride the Lightning (their first two). They released four albums in the 80s, but in the 20 years since 1991’s Metallica, they have released only four more. The 5+ years wait between records is long time to test a listener’s patience, even in this day and age, and especially with the critical scrutiny fans have given each release. Yet Metallica have cleverly managed to remain in the limelight the entire time…a new single here-and-there, bloated two-disc sets of cover tunes, live performances with orchestras, ballyhooed package tours, warts-and-all documentaries, all of which made millions. And when the band does decide to create new music, no matter how good or bad, it’s an event. Even St. Anger, their ‘worst’ album (in terms of sales and critical opinion), shot to number one on the Billboard charts and sold more copies than the best selling albums by Slayer, Megadeth or Anthrax.

Which brings us back to Lulu. As of this writing, it is the only product they’ve attached their name to that has truly bombed (and deservedly so). One must remember that Metallica aren’t just a heavy metal band. For most, fans or not, they are the heavy metal band, and there are millions who wished they simply create Master of Muppets, Part 72. Sure, Lulu is the worst thing Metallica has ever attached their name to, and will likely go down as one of the most ill-advised collaborations in music history. Yes, even worse than Ozzy’s duet with Miss Piggy. But do we really want Metallica to make the same record over and over again? Isn’t that what prematurely ended or damaged the careers of so many other thrash bands? Wouldn’t you agree that if Metallica hadn’t continued to change, there’s a good chance they wouldn’t be here for us to kick around today?

Of the so-called ‘Big Four of Thrash’ (the others being Megadeth, Slayer & Anthrax), Metallica’s recorded output is easily the spottiest and least consistent, yet they are bigger than the other three combined. Each album, good or bad, is treated like an event, partly because we just don’t know what we’re in for before we listen to it. That sheer unpredictability part of what makes it fun to be a Metallica fan. It’s fun to debate whether or not Death Magnetic is worthy of comparison to Master of Puppets; it’s fun for metal purists to proclaim their utter contempt of the Black Album or Load; it’s fun to boast that you were a true fan from the beginning but hate everything Metallica has done since …And Justice for All (even if some of you might be full of shit); it’s fun to claim Lars Ulrich is a shitty drummer (mostly by people who heard it from someone else; I always thought he was okay); and it’s fun to listen to an album like Lulu and wonder, “what the hell were those guys thinking?”

So, no…Lulu will not kill Metallica’s career. It probably won’t even damage it. In fact, Lulu still got more press (albeit bad press) than any of the recent releases by Metallica’s ’Big Four’ contemporaries. As the old adage goes, bad press is better than none at all. That’s not to say Metallica isn’t just one or two shitty albums away from successfully committing career suicide, but Lulu isn’t one of them; they were smart enough to put Lou Reed’s name first on the cover and repeatedly claim they were just the man’s back-up band. Lulu will go down in history as just a self-indulgent side project, and that’s all.

Besides, Metallica seem to know just how far to approach the career suicide cliff without actually jumping. They knew enough to follow up St. Anger with their fastest, loudest, most solo-heavy album in years. They also knew enough to quickly release an EP of unreleased songs (Beyond Magnetic) almost immediately after Lulu tanked. Maybe the release of Lulu is just what old-school Metallica fans needed…something to hate that will make the band’s next album something they can love.

The J.R. Turner Interview

Jenny Turner (aka J.R. Turner) is a fellow author who has written many books of various genres, from young adult novels to adventure fantasy and seemingly everything in between. She is also the primary editor at Quake Publishing, the young adult imprint of Echelon Press, and edited this writer's first two novels. People who wear more than one professional hat are always interesting, and she was nice enough to share her thoughts on her own writing, editing the work of others and the publishing business in general.


Thanks for taking the time for an interview at Free Kittens. If you don’t mind, I’ll start with the dumb questions, such as, do you remember what first inspired you to become a writer? Was it another author, a particular book, or something else entirely?

Julie Garwood inspired me. Well, truthfully, she ruined me. I remember when For the Roses came out. I couldn’t hardly wait for the release because I’d devoured all her books more than once. On release day, I was there with money for a hard cover. Yes. I bought my first full-price hard cover—which was about half my weekly grocery budget at the time. I devoured it just as quickly—in one single day.

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover and that’s exactly what happened over the course of that long, long year waiting for another book from Garwood. I chose one bad book after another. I decided I’d rather spend my time writing the book I wanted to read, instead of reading a terrible book.

I know I’ll never forget getting that first acceptance letter for a story. What was your first publishing credit?

I had an essay published in a charity anthology with proceeds going to an abused women’s shelter. The book was Crumbs in the Keyboard and I wrote about the craziness of motherhood.

You’ve written and published stories in a variety of genres. Any particular genre you enjoy more than others?

I usually really love the book I’ve just completed or had released so I’m not sure if it’s because this book really is special, but Redemption, my urban fantasy novel, has made me fall deeply in love with the genre. A reader recently compared the ending to The Stand and I was walking on cloud nine. I loved the post-apocalyptic element—the struggle for survival against evil. All of it was just a blast.

Your most recent young adult novels are the three (so far) in your Extreme Hauntings series. How would you describe these books to those who are curious?

Kaylee, the heroine, is such a superb character to work with. These books led me toward the more paranormal/supernatural aspects of writing. After having such a fabulous time working with ghosts, demons, and monsters, I wondered why I waited so long. The quest for internal understanding when the whole world has gone wacko, and everyone thinks Kaylee’s gone wacko, is a really cool dichotomy to work with.

Did you always intend Extreme Hauntings to be a series, or did you start off thinking the first would just be a stand-alone novel?

I had been invited to write a YA series for Quake, so I knew in the beginning there would be six books total.

I’ve been fleshing out the concepts and outline for the fourth book. This one takes place in a boot camp for teens. Kaylee and Davey are convicted of arson and assault, and the courts are not happy with them considering the legal trouble they’ve faced in the past. I’m looking forward to seeing how the authority figures in this book handle what happens when the supernatural entities begin to make themselves known.

What are some of the challenges in writing young adult horror, a genre where it can be easy to cross the line between what‘s acceptable and unacceptable for kids?

My biggest concern is making sure the horror feels real to the reader. I don’t rely on the gross or the morbid to make them squirm. These are ghost stories and I really want to convey that spookiness, that terrifying moment when those eyes you feel on you in an empty room prove to belong to an unknown, unseen entity. That’s not an easy task, but it’s one I hope I accomplished.

What is the one book you’ve published you are the most proud of? Why?

Gosh, this is so hard. Every book is different and every book has reasons to be my favorite. I’m proud of My Biker Bodyguard because it was based on my family and it won awards. I’m proud of DFF: Dead Friends Forever because it was my first YA book, my first published horror novel, and the first one I wrote for my kids. I could go on and on!

You are also one of the editors Quake Publishing, Echelon Press’ YA imprint, which I’m assuming takes a lot of time. How do you manage to find time for your own projects when you aren’t busy editing the work of others?

I love editing and fortunately, Quake has a lot of really great authors who make my job easy! Mostly I have the time because I’m one of the lucky few who doesn’t have to have a day job. Because of this and a passion for the work, I’m able to accomplish many things. I rarely take a day off, not even weekends, because when I wake up in the morning, I’m eager to get to my computer and work on my current project. Vacations can be tough on me because half my brain is working on a novel or seeking solutions for an editing project.

As an editor, what do you look for when considering a manuscript submission? What makes a good young adult novel?

A strong style and voice will conquer almost any initial plot or character difficulties. I’ve avoided manuscripts where the author proved to be difficult or too emotionally invested in the current draft. I respect an author’s ownership of the work, but I also respect our in-house style-guide and if the two can’t meet—then we’re both out of luck. The best books in the YA genre go where they need to go and not shy away from plot points one might feel are offensive. Any subject matter can be handled delicately.

Young adult fiction is currently a huge market, with a glut of authors jumping on the Stephanie Meyer or J.K. Rawling bandwagon. Is there a type of YA novel you’d like to see more of besides wizards and vampires?

I’m open to anything as long as it oozes imagination, passion, and admirable writing.

What advice would you give to would-be authors in terms of writing and submitting?

Don’t submit too early! Great ideas and great books can be lost because authors are unaware the book still needs a good solid editing. Don’t expect editors to do it for you. I’d rather work on a stellar novel with solid writing than a potentially extraordinary novel that’s in dire need of a second pair of eyes.

As we both know, having one’s work accepted is just the beginning of a long process, especially in terms of promotion. What are some of the most effective ways you use to get word out about your books?

Social media and face-to-face contact. Those two can work wonders and create a lot of buzz for a person. I think there are two ways these ventures can fail, however: interacting only with people you know and lack of follow-through. Don’t cancel your book signings, don’t ignore your blog and other accounts. Just because you have them, doesn’t mean they will be any good unless you work at them!

I just recently bought a Kindle and I love it. I’ve been able to buy books by my favorite authors at a fraction of the price, and I’m more willing to take a chance on new authors. However, I’ve also noticed that the current explosion of e-books has resulted in a lot of stuff out there that may not have ever seen the light of day through traditional publishing. What’s your take on the impact of e-publishing on both writers and the publishing industry?

I think it’s fantastic. Anything that puts the control and profits into the hands of the people who do the work is awesome. With the way e-books are taking off, I think we’ll begin seeing a lot more first-time authors build a following and gain recognition where they may have been unable to breakthrough in the past.

Finally, where are the best places to find your books, as well as places where readers can learn more about you?

I’m converting my website over to my wordpress account right now. The address for my wordpress account is: http://jrturner.wordpress.com and my website is: http://www.jennifer-turner.com/

All my books are available at Amazon.com and on Smashwords. Thank you so much for this opportunity to share with your readers!

Free Kittens would like to thank Jenny for sharing her time.

2011 in Review

Fox News Channel recently claimed the latest Muppet movie has a communist agenda. On a related note, Free Kittens has recently discovered Bill O’Reilly likes to pleasure himself while watching the film, Air Force One.

In the land of douche bags, The Situation is their king. He’s such a douche bag that Abercrombie & Fitch, the official clothing line of douche bags worldwide, offered him money to stop wearing their clothes for fear of tarnishing their image. Now THAT’S a douche bag.

With the release of their collaboration with Lou Reed, Lulu, Metallica now owns the world record for most career suicide attempts. Not to be outdone, previous record-holder George Lucas plans to reclaim the title by making The Phantom Menace the first film of his Star Wars saga to be re-released in 3-D. Really???

In an effort to promote awareness and raise money to help preserve the dwindling environment of the polar bear, Coca-Cola released a special series of white soda cans. Weeks later, the cans were discontinued because people were mistaking them for Diet Coke. I’m not sure what is worse, the fact that no one bothers to read the freaking label, or the fact the Coca-Cola basically said, “Screw the polar bears…no one’s buying Coke!”

A woman, thinking she was paying to see an action film similar to The Fast and the Furious, sued the producers of the film, Drive, for false advertising. Inspired by this idiot, the staff of Free Kittens has decided to sue any studio that ever used the meaningless term, ‘beyond imagination,’ in promoting their films. After all, these films are obviously not beyond imagination because someone freaking imagined them. Hence, false advertising.

A woman sued Wal-Mart after she was overcharged two cents for a package of sausage. She won $100. Once again inspired by one American’s attempt to collect a check without doing anything to earn it, the staff of Free Kittens (me) sued his wife for spending too much at the grocery store. She now owes him nightly backrubs and complete control of the TV remote.

Speaking of Wal-Mart, Free Kittens has learned that ESPN will stop broadcasting boxing matches, claiming it would be far less expensive to simply set up cameras in any Wal-Mart store on Black Friday and record the mayhem.

A nine year old student was suspended two days for sexual harassment after he was overheard calling one of his teachers ‘cute.’ On a related note, Free Kittens has learned that a recent newborn child was arrested for having the gall to emerge from the womb with an exposed penis.

Former wizard apprentice Harry Potter just recently discovered that a degree from Hogwarts, while impressive, doesn’t provide him with any actual employable skills.

Around the world, thousands of kids who became experts at games like Guitar Hero suddenly realized they could have better spent all that time actually learning how to play the guitar.

Millions of Tweeters worldwide suddenly came to the realization that nobody gives a damn about what they have to say.

Kim Kardasian’s marriage and immediate divorce was headline news in 2011. Meanwhile, the death of Anne McCaffery, one of the most prolific and best-selling sci-fi writers of all time, went by nearly unnoticed. I’m sorry…I have no punch line for this one.

Jersey Shore Christmas ornaments. Seriously. I saw them at Walgreen’s. There’s one of The Situation lifting his shirt to show off his six-pack. I have no punch line for this one either.

After a news story broke that a children’s book available on Amazon.com, The Trinity of Superkidds, was authored by a convicted serial killer who likes to write naked in the dark, sales to the book briefly increased dramatically, outselling books by struggling writers who never even got so much as a parking ticket (and, yes, I’m referring to me).

The video game series, The Legend of Zelda, was the first to be inducted into the Video Game Hall of Fame. I guess that means such games as Pong, Pac-Man and Donkey Kong had absolutely zero impact of the gaming industry. On a related note, Free Kittens has learned the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced that all their previous inductees have been removed to make room for Britney Spears, since it is obvious only the past twenty years truly matter in the course of human history.

Michael Jackson is still dead, and has been for almost two years, The maggots have since picked his carcass clean. That hasn’t stopped millions of born-again Michael Jackson fans willing to forgive high-profile cases of child molestation accusations. I guess, when you’re dead, all is forgiven. The powers-that-be even managed to convict Jackson’s doctor in order to free Jackson from blame for his own death. Yeah, that makes sense…the previous 30 years of never being told no had nothing to do with it. Hey, everyone…the guy is DEAD. He was a once musical genius, but he also liked young boys, got hooked on drugs and fell in love with his own celebrity. Get over it.

2011 in Perspective

New Year’s Eve, 2011, and I’m currently sitting in my office by myself, SyFy’s annual Twilight Zone marathon blaring in the background. My 16-year-old daughter is upstairs doing her usual cyber-socializing, and the wife and youngest daughter are out at the movies. New Year’s Eve doesn’t seem to be a big deal anymore. Okay, maybe New Year’s Eve was never that big of a deal, but like a lot of folks, I used to make it a bigger deal than it really was, using it as an excuse to get completely blotto and engage in behavior that, if I were 20 years younger and 30 pounds lighter, I would be deemed, in modern vernacular, a douchebag. Yeah, those days were fun, but I don’t really miss them. My New Year’s Eves may not be all that exciting, but it is kind-of nice waking up on New Year’s Day without dry-heaving and feeling like my head is going to fly apart.


I don’t ring in the new year with the hubris I once did, but I’m actually thankful I have a new year to ring in at all, and really, I’m enjoying how I’m spending it tonight. I used to lament getting older, but now I know getting older is much better than the alternative. Last year at this time, I had just been released from the hospital after a life-threatening illness and spent much of the year recovering.

Gotta pause to catch this Twilight Zone episode - one of my favorites - where a man condemned to live on an asteroid is provided a female robot companion.

I also turned 48 this year, just a couple of years away from 50, yet somehow, it doesn’t bother me as much as turning 30 did. Because of my illness, I’ve taken a good hard look at the past year, and my life in general. I never became a big rock star, never raced in the Daytona 500, never married Jodie Foster. Even after my longest-held dream of being a novelist was actually fulfilled with the publication of my two novels so far, Killer Cows and Shaken, the actual financial returns of those books assures me that writing will likely always remain just a pleasurable pastime.

Despite being a teacher with a newly-acquiried master‘s degree, I still live paycheck-to-paycheck. Retirement is probably not going to ever be an option. I’ll probably never own that mid-life-crisis muscle car I always wanted. I’ll probably never get to travel abroad. I will probably never get out of debt. I’ll probably never have the social life I did 25 years ago.

But at the same time, I have a beautiful wife who loves me for who I am, despite my quirks, hang-ups and occasional delusions of grandeur. I’ll probably never provide her with the worry-free life she deserves, but she sticks with me anyway. We are going on 23 years, and with the exception of my parents and her sister, we’ve been married longer than anyone else in our immediate families. At this point, it’s truly looking like a case of ‘till death do us part’, and I feel good about that. She’s my best friend and I never feel like I’m missing out on anything by being married to her.

I have two loving daughters who I wouldn’t trade for the world. It seems like only yesterday when they were just born, yet I sometimes have trouble recalling my life without the two of them around. They are funny, charming and have been a joy to raise. My youngest is my new ‘horror movie buddy’, and my oldest is at that really interesting age when I may always not be her first choice of people to pal around with, but when we do, hilarity ensues.

Another great Twilight Zone episode. This is the one with an assortment of people are trapped in a cylindrical room, only to discover later on that they are just dolls.

And even though my job as an educator is currently in utter turmoil (district budget problems, reduced pay from furlough days, increased workload, etc.), I still love what I do. On those days when I don’t, I now try to remember two things: 1) that I’m alive to have a job to complain about, and 2) no matter what, teaching beats the hell out of what I used to do for a living (flipping omelets at a hotel restaurant).

As a writer, I’ve made almost no money from the two novels I’ve gotten published. Okay, so I’ll likely never wake up in a coastal beach house overlooking the Pacific and retreat to my office with a cup of coffee to continue work on my next bestseller. I still enjoy making stuff up, and one of the coolest things that’s ever happened to me was having students come up to me to sign copies of my books. Maybe respect is better than money.

I’ve reached the point where personal vanity is no longer a priority. I’m no longer someone women take a second glance at, and I’ll never again be in the same physical shape as I was in my 20s. This is actually pretty liberating. I do not think I’m a hideous human specimen, and my wife finds me desirable, so that’s really all I care about. And you know what? I’m pretty sure I have a LOT more sex than most single guys my age, and I don’t have to work that hard to get it.

I also reached the point where I truly do not care what inconsequential people think of me. I’m 48 years old. I love heavy metal music. I love wearing my hair long. I love playing Mario Kart. I love throwing on my ripped-up and sleeveless Motorhead T-shirt on weekends. I love the fact I’ve not used (or needed) my cellphone for over a year. I love horror movies with gratuitous violence. I love wasting entire days reading my Kindle when I could be walking-off some pounds on the treadmill. And I love the fact I don’t feel like I have to grow up and act my age. And, in a way, that is growing up, isn’t it? Sorry, folks. I like my life, and your approval of how I live it is no longer needed.

Sure, a lot of 2011 sucked, but I am also reminded of the important things that were uber-awesome about it. If fact, when it’s time for me to leave this world, 2011 may end up being one of those years for which I’m the most thankful. This was the year I first became truly happy to be alive, surrounded by people who love me for who I am.

Well, I gotta stop here. The next Twilight Zone episode is the one with a woman in her apartment dealing with the sun getting closer to Earth. My oldest daughter loves this one, too (a girl after my own heart). I’ll call her down to catch it with me. Another great New Year’s celebration, likely to go down as one of my favorites.

Maybe your perspective will have you feeling the same way.